my reflective logbook
Reflective Logbook Week 1
I have always been able to examine myself critically. I consider myself to be one who ponders a lot about others and myself. But because I ponder too much, I tend to get pessimistic at times, thinking that I will not be able to succeed in anything I do. This is a sign of a lack in self-confidence. Sometimes, I am also too passive and indecisive. However, because I possess a certain degree of self-awareness, I am able to remind myself to stay as optimistic as possible and to strive hard in whatever I do.
Basically, I am quite a lazy person. When it comes to things that I am not interested in or are insignificant to me, I always adopt an “anyhow” attitude. I remember in the past, my best friend complained a lot of times about my attitude. Yet, both she and I knew very clearly that I will only “wake up” in matters that I am truly particular about. I also know that I will feel happy when I am engaged in activities that tie in with my values and beliefs.
I prefer to be a loner, but that does not mean that I cannot work in teams. It is just that I am one who needs inner tranquility, as well as wanting to develop individuality. I can be decisive in rejecting anything that might restrict my individuality. At the same time, I am greatly motivated by this sentence: “When the goal is so compelling and maximum output from everyone is so essential that team spirit maintains or intensifies effort.” It is because I have had a wonderful team experience before, as such, I am always looking forward to working with teams that can spur me on.
My family background has a lot to do with the shaping of my character. I come from a poor family. My father died when I was very young and I am the only child in the family. I have encountered some family changes, which is probably why I tend to have this perception that our fates are destined. Yet, there is this part of me that is reluctant to be beaten down by any harsh circumstance. And I believe it will stay with me forever.
I am an “authentic” person and I value integrity a great deal. I am quite readily adaptable to changes as well. Thus in terms of self-awareness, self-regulation and motivation, I believe I am capable of enhancing my abilities in these areas. I am also confident that I can be empathetic if I put more efforts in. The area which I hope to really further develop is social skills. Even though I think that I am not too bad in relationship management, and able to communicate well with my friends, but I still feel a lack of confidence in reading social situations and enlarging networks. Interacting with unfamiliar people is something that I fear or dread of doing sometimes. Well, I hope I can gradually reduce this fear as time goes by.
Reflective Logbook Week 2 Part A
Self-understanding and emotional intelligence are important qualities that a good counsellor should have. Emotional intelligence consists of 5 basic emotional and social competencies, namely self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. To be an effective helper is not easy. Moreover, I feel that a helper not only has to be effective but also consistent.
Frankly, I do find myself always in a state of self-reflection and self-exploration. The first thing I realized about myself is although I am basically a warm, friendly and easily approachable person, I need time to get to know other people before being able to share my inner thoughts and feelings. Most of the time, I am being mistaken as an outgoing person, probably because I seem to appear to be one. But in actual fact, I can be reserved and private, sometimes even withdrawing myself from human contact.
If I choose to be, I can be genuinely interested in people, yet I become bored and restless when surrounded by people or circumstances in which I have no interest. Either that, or I can be fast to react and severe in my judgments. Thus, if I start to feel hemmed in, I will become impatient. At such times, I may find ways to disappear physically or mentally. To conclude my second point, I think I am sometimes unrealistic about my expectations of people and situations.
There are times when I feel lost and disillusioned. I am not always sure of my own value. I always feel that I am anchored in one spot, unable to move forward. Maybe I should try to think of more positive thoughts, and set some short-term goals that I can reach.
The above that I have mentioned are issues which I feel strongly contributes to the inconsistency of my personality, and therefore, may hinder my path to becoming an effective helper.
Reflective Logbook Week 7
Some of my friends tend to look for me when they are depressed or when they are facing some problems. I guess it may be because I am quite sensitive to their moods, and able to detect that they are feeling low at times. Another thing about me would be I am always willing to lend a listening ear to them.
When I was in my younger days, I used to write diaries, keeping records of my emotions and feelings every day. Most of the entries were actually quite intense as I used to think a lot when I was young. I think it has a lot to do with the environment I grew up in, being an only child in a single parent, not well-to-do family. Since childhood, I had always been on my own, making my own decisions, thus this probably in a way developed my independence and being independent would mean that I had to cope with my emotions alone. Talking about “alone”, oh yes, I remember Hong Kong director, Wong Kar Wai once said: when you are alone, whatever you are thinking is all about your self-narration, and it is because you have to face yourself which is why you will feel lonely. Well, I do not disagree to that, still to me “alone” and “lonely” are 2 different words. I have always been aware of the fact that I am alone, with no siblings around me, but being “alone” did not and still does not make me feel “lonely”. I am one who can be totally at ease with myself, plus I also have this habit of constantly self-analyzing my emotions and feelings towards any situation by posing questions to myself. Therefore I believe this kind of contributes to my sense of sensitivity to others around me as well.
The skill of reflection of feelings is very important because through proper techniques, it helps to understand and identify one’s key emotions and thus experience the most basic part of oneself. No matter whether it is at work or in any kind of daily situation, our emotions are involved in the brief encounters we have with other people around us throughout the day. At work, we have to interact with our bosses, colleagues and subordinates almost 5 to 6 days a week. Self-control of emotions and being sensitive to the various working styles are very essential points to take note of in order to achieve a harmonious working environment. For example, I find myself quite flexible in adapting to different colleagues’ working styles, as I usually try to identify their feelings and reactions through certain nonverbal behaviours.
When we are being with our family and friends, the emotions involved are deeper. Both positive and negative feelings towards such significant people in our lives can co-exist at the same time, creating a complex mixed emotional state within us. By reflecting the feelings and going through an emotional exploration, we are more able to discover and sort out such mixed feelings. I realized every now and then, I would adopt different treatments to different friends. Some I can be frank with them and feedback emotions directly, but there are others I have to be slightly more careful with my words. I guess this is all about learning how to handle interpersonal relationships in our daily activities.
Reflective Logbook Week 10
Chapter 1
Chinese has always been my most comfortable language. I am also interested in photography, music and anything to do with behind-the-scene production. But what could I do to combine all these things together? When I was in junior college, I already had this vague idea that to become a xxx. At that time, it was only a dream to me. For the sake of reality, I signed up for the course of Business Administration in the university, which eventually turned out to be a mistake. I had made a wrong choice, as I had never felt happy in the course during those 3 years. For a long period, I was confused and suffered an internal conflict to search for my own identity. That was until I met Mrs Joy Yeo.
Mrs Joy Yeo was the manager of a photography company. Initially, I had an interview with her just to check out the possibility of working in her company on a part time or project basis. I never expected it to become a long discussion about my career. She could sense my love for photography, although she thought that I could definitely get a better job with my BBA degree. Later, she offered me a contract that would provide me with an intensive training in every aspect of photography. The only condition was I would have to work for the company after the training. As a trainee, I would not expect to be paid a graduate’s starting salary. But she assured me that after around 10 months to 1 year, my degree would be an asset to me for I would be more competent than the other trainees. Also, if I was willing to work, I would be able to earn up to “no limits”.
Though Mrs Yeo needed enthusiastic people like me, she urged me to consider carefully. Even if I decided not to accept her offer, her offer would always be open and I could always go back to her. Few days later, my reply to her was that I would hold on for the moment. I was very grateful to her for spending her precious time with me to give me advice on my career. If not for her, I would not have gone through a serious self-reflection process to reach a conclusion.
I came to realize a very important point about myself then. I would only put in my very best in things that I had great interest in, because I would be enthusiastic in trying to find out more ways to perfect my work. On the other hand, I also anticipated a great career problem for myself, which is, if I were to do something that is not to my favour, I would find it hard to pull myself together, and in worse cases I would despair easily. A very good example was my experience in Business Administration.
Thus, I made up my mind to follow my instinct. I am right now in the xxx industry producing CEP, I have enjoyed the satisfaction that comes from watching my own production take shape and finally end up on the screen. This supersedes all the hard work and frustrations that I have faced during the process. And most importantly, I want to share the beauty of it all with others.
Chapter 2
When I joined a society in the university, I decided to go for a post so that my resume would appear more impressive. I ended up in the third most important position. However, I discovered that I felt very uncomfortable with this new power which I had gained. I was unable to use this power effectively. I soon recognized that it would be disastrous for myself if I were to assume any position in a top management. Alternatively, my ability is displayed more fully if I am involved in a particular project that I have great interest in. For example, I was twice put in charge of the photography/video segment of two stage performances, and I enjoyed my role a lot.
The fact is I do not hanker for power. And I did not realize this until I entered the university. I remembered when I was in secondary school, a few of my friends nominated me to be a club’s secretary, I simply rejected it. I guess back then, I already preferred freedom more. But trust me, I was still one of the most active members in this Chinese creative writing club, and had always been in my other activities.
I once did a test that was supposed to find out one’s career orientation. As I was totaling up my points, I wondered why my score for this particular letter, ‘V’, was zero. Later, I learnt that ‘V’ represents ‘getting ahead’, its definition being ‘upwardly mobile and status-seeking’. My highest score was the one associated with ‘getting free’. It is very true that I do not care a tinge for status or power, they do not appeal to me. I am more concerned with being free to do what I like.
If one day, I am able to put aside everything else, I would become a traveler, bringing my camera of course. It would be best if I can do this with my partner, to walk through the journey together. The only one person who can stop me from getting too free is my mother. In fact, it is still impossible for me to be totally free, as I feel obligated to balance myself between my mother, my work, my partner and my good friends. Nevertheless, if I can manage myself well enough, I think I will still be able to enjoy the freedom of being alone at certain times.
All I want is a life of my own.
(originated on 23/1/1996, compiled on 01/2/2005)
I have always been able to examine myself critically. I consider myself to be one who ponders a lot about others and myself. But because I ponder too much, I tend to get pessimistic at times, thinking that I will not be able to succeed in anything I do. This is a sign of a lack in self-confidence. Sometimes, I am also too passive and indecisive. However, because I possess a certain degree of self-awareness, I am able to remind myself to stay as optimistic as possible and to strive hard in whatever I do.
Basically, I am quite a lazy person. When it comes to things that I am not interested in or are insignificant to me, I always adopt an “anyhow” attitude. I remember in the past, my best friend complained a lot of times about my attitude. Yet, both she and I knew very clearly that I will only “wake up” in matters that I am truly particular about. I also know that I will feel happy when I am engaged in activities that tie in with my values and beliefs.
I prefer to be a loner, but that does not mean that I cannot work in teams. It is just that I am one who needs inner tranquility, as well as wanting to develop individuality. I can be decisive in rejecting anything that might restrict my individuality. At the same time, I am greatly motivated by this sentence: “When the goal is so compelling and maximum output from everyone is so essential that team spirit maintains or intensifies effort.” It is because I have had a wonderful team experience before, as such, I am always looking forward to working with teams that can spur me on.
My family background has a lot to do with the shaping of my character. I come from a poor family. My father died when I was very young and I am the only child in the family. I have encountered some family changes, which is probably why I tend to have this perception that our fates are destined. Yet, there is this part of me that is reluctant to be beaten down by any harsh circumstance. And I believe it will stay with me forever.
I am an “authentic” person and I value integrity a great deal. I am quite readily adaptable to changes as well. Thus in terms of self-awareness, self-regulation and motivation, I believe I am capable of enhancing my abilities in these areas. I am also confident that I can be empathetic if I put more efforts in. The area which I hope to really further develop is social skills. Even though I think that I am not too bad in relationship management, and able to communicate well with my friends, but I still feel a lack of confidence in reading social situations and enlarging networks. Interacting with unfamiliar people is something that I fear or dread of doing sometimes. Well, I hope I can gradually reduce this fear as time goes by.
Reflective Logbook Week 2 Part A
Self-understanding and emotional intelligence are important qualities that a good counsellor should have. Emotional intelligence consists of 5 basic emotional and social competencies, namely self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. To be an effective helper is not easy. Moreover, I feel that a helper not only has to be effective but also consistent.
Frankly, I do find myself always in a state of self-reflection and self-exploration. The first thing I realized about myself is although I am basically a warm, friendly and easily approachable person, I need time to get to know other people before being able to share my inner thoughts and feelings. Most of the time, I am being mistaken as an outgoing person, probably because I seem to appear to be one. But in actual fact, I can be reserved and private, sometimes even withdrawing myself from human contact.
If I choose to be, I can be genuinely interested in people, yet I become bored and restless when surrounded by people or circumstances in which I have no interest. Either that, or I can be fast to react and severe in my judgments. Thus, if I start to feel hemmed in, I will become impatient. At such times, I may find ways to disappear physically or mentally. To conclude my second point, I think I am sometimes unrealistic about my expectations of people and situations.
There are times when I feel lost and disillusioned. I am not always sure of my own value. I always feel that I am anchored in one spot, unable to move forward. Maybe I should try to think of more positive thoughts, and set some short-term goals that I can reach.
The above that I have mentioned are issues which I feel strongly contributes to the inconsistency of my personality, and therefore, may hinder my path to becoming an effective helper.
Reflective Logbook Week 7
Some of my friends tend to look for me when they are depressed or when they are facing some problems. I guess it may be because I am quite sensitive to their moods, and able to detect that they are feeling low at times. Another thing about me would be I am always willing to lend a listening ear to them.
When I was in my younger days, I used to write diaries, keeping records of my emotions and feelings every day. Most of the entries were actually quite intense as I used to think a lot when I was young. I think it has a lot to do with the environment I grew up in, being an only child in a single parent, not well-to-do family. Since childhood, I had always been on my own, making my own decisions, thus this probably in a way developed my independence and being independent would mean that I had to cope with my emotions alone. Talking about “alone”, oh yes, I remember Hong Kong director, Wong Kar Wai once said: when you are alone, whatever you are thinking is all about your self-narration, and it is because you have to face yourself which is why you will feel lonely. Well, I do not disagree to that, still to me “alone” and “lonely” are 2 different words. I have always been aware of the fact that I am alone, with no siblings around me, but being “alone” did not and still does not make me feel “lonely”. I am one who can be totally at ease with myself, plus I also have this habit of constantly self-analyzing my emotions and feelings towards any situation by posing questions to myself. Therefore I believe this kind of contributes to my sense of sensitivity to others around me as well.
The skill of reflection of feelings is very important because through proper techniques, it helps to understand and identify one’s key emotions and thus experience the most basic part of oneself. No matter whether it is at work or in any kind of daily situation, our emotions are involved in the brief encounters we have with other people around us throughout the day. At work, we have to interact with our bosses, colleagues and subordinates almost 5 to 6 days a week. Self-control of emotions and being sensitive to the various working styles are very essential points to take note of in order to achieve a harmonious working environment. For example, I find myself quite flexible in adapting to different colleagues’ working styles, as I usually try to identify their feelings and reactions through certain nonverbal behaviours.
When we are being with our family and friends, the emotions involved are deeper. Both positive and negative feelings towards such significant people in our lives can co-exist at the same time, creating a complex mixed emotional state within us. By reflecting the feelings and going through an emotional exploration, we are more able to discover and sort out such mixed feelings. I realized every now and then, I would adopt different treatments to different friends. Some I can be frank with them and feedback emotions directly, but there are others I have to be slightly more careful with my words. I guess this is all about learning how to handle interpersonal relationships in our daily activities.
Reflective Logbook Week 10
Chapter 1
Chinese has always been my most comfortable language. I am also interested in photography, music and anything to do with behind-the-scene production. But what could I do to combine all these things together? When I was in junior college, I already had this vague idea that to become a xxx. At that time, it was only a dream to me. For the sake of reality, I signed up for the course of Business Administration in the university, which eventually turned out to be a mistake. I had made a wrong choice, as I had never felt happy in the course during those 3 years. For a long period, I was confused and suffered an internal conflict to search for my own identity. That was until I met Mrs Joy Yeo.
Mrs Joy Yeo was the manager of a photography company. Initially, I had an interview with her just to check out the possibility of working in her company on a part time or project basis. I never expected it to become a long discussion about my career. She could sense my love for photography, although she thought that I could definitely get a better job with my BBA degree. Later, she offered me a contract that would provide me with an intensive training in every aspect of photography. The only condition was I would have to work for the company after the training. As a trainee, I would not expect to be paid a graduate’s starting salary. But she assured me that after around 10 months to 1 year, my degree would be an asset to me for I would be more competent than the other trainees. Also, if I was willing to work, I would be able to earn up to “no limits”.
Though Mrs Yeo needed enthusiastic people like me, she urged me to consider carefully. Even if I decided not to accept her offer, her offer would always be open and I could always go back to her. Few days later, my reply to her was that I would hold on for the moment. I was very grateful to her for spending her precious time with me to give me advice on my career. If not for her, I would not have gone through a serious self-reflection process to reach a conclusion.
I came to realize a very important point about myself then. I would only put in my very best in things that I had great interest in, because I would be enthusiastic in trying to find out more ways to perfect my work. On the other hand, I also anticipated a great career problem for myself, which is, if I were to do something that is not to my favour, I would find it hard to pull myself together, and in worse cases I would despair easily. A very good example was my experience in Business Administration.
Thus, I made up my mind to follow my instinct. I am right now in the xxx industry producing CEP, I have enjoyed the satisfaction that comes from watching my own production take shape and finally end up on the screen. This supersedes all the hard work and frustrations that I have faced during the process. And most importantly, I want to share the beauty of it all with others.
Chapter 2
When I joined a society in the university, I decided to go for a post so that my resume would appear more impressive. I ended up in the third most important position. However, I discovered that I felt very uncomfortable with this new power which I had gained. I was unable to use this power effectively. I soon recognized that it would be disastrous for myself if I were to assume any position in a top management. Alternatively, my ability is displayed more fully if I am involved in a particular project that I have great interest in. For example, I was twice put in charge of the photography/video segment of two stage performances, and I enjoyed my role a lot.
The fact is I do not hanker for power. And I did not realize this until I entered the university. I remembered when I was in secondary school, a few of my friends nominated me to be a club’s secretary, I simply rejected it. I guess back then, I already preferred freedom more. But trust me, I was still one of the most active members in this Chinese creative writing club, and had always been in my other activities.
I once did a test that was supposed to find out one’s career orientation. As I was totaling up my points, I wondered why my score for this particular letter, ‘V’, was zero. Later, I learnt that ‘V’ represents ‘getting ahead’, its definition being ‘upwardly mobile and status-seeking’. My highest score was the one associated with ‘getting free’. It is very true that I do not care a tinge for status or power, they do not appeal to me. I am more concerned with being free to do what I like.
If one day, I am able to put aside everything else, I would become a traveler, bringing my camera of course. It would be best if I can do this with my partner, to walk through the journey together. The only one person who can stop me from getting too free is my mother. In fact, it is still impossible for me to be totally free, as I feel obligated to balance myself between my mother, my work, my partner and my good friends. Nevertheless, if I can manage myself well enough, I think I will still be able to enjoy the freedom of being alone at certain times.
All I want is a life of my own.
(originated on 23/1/1996, compiled on 01/2/2005)
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